Dave's Ridiculous Rankings: A Funny Look at the Top 10

February 17th, 2009

Below is my current set of Rankings and Irrelevant Comments.  I’m hoping that the Irrelevant Comments make you laugh.  If, however, you find my Rankings laughable, well, that’s fine too.




1. UCONN (24-2)*

Best Wins: Miami, at Gonzaga, West Virginia, Villanova, at Louisville, SU

Losses: Georgetown


My Irrelevant Comment:

You may know that Jim Calhoun is in the Hall of Fame, but you might not know that he’s the current fan club president of the GoGos.  Rumor has it that after he signed Hasheem Thabeet, he ran around campus signing: “We’ve got Thabeet.  We’ve got Thabeet.  Yeah, we’ve got Thabeet.  Everybody get on your feet!”


* Editor: Dave's rankings were submitted before the UCONN/Pitt game last night.. blame it on me for the delay getting the article posted. Then again, the actual ranking is secondary..


2. OKLAHOMA (25-1)

Best Wins: Purdue, Davidson, Utah, Texas

Loss: at Arkansas


My Irrelevant Comment:

Are you like me in that whenever your see the word Oklahoma, the Broadway show tune starts running through your head?  And are you also like me in that you really don’t know the lyrics to Oklahoma.  And the only thing running through your head is “Ok-lahoma” over and over and over?  Then you, like me, have problems.



Best wins: Michigan State, Notre Dame, Clemson, at Duke

Loss: Boston College, Wake Forest


My Irrelevant Comment:

I think Roy Williams is a decent coach.  He’s just occasionally blind to the happenings on the floor.  My theory: it’s not his coaching abilities; it’s his glasses.  The guy spends half the game adjusting them.  Solution: start wearing a pair of Kareem Abdul Jabbar goggles.  That’s what I did in Junior High.  I wore them everywhere – thought they made me look cool.  Boy, was I wrong.


4. PITT (24-2)

Best wins: Florida State, at Georgetown, Syracuse, ND, WV

Loss: at Louisville, at Villanova


My Irrelevant Comment:

There’s a guard on Pitt named Brad Wanamaker.  Yikes.  Had to be a tough childhood.  You got to know he was picked on with a name like Brad.


5. MICHIGAN ST (20-4)

Bet wins, Texas, Minn., KU, Ohio St., Michigan

Losses: Maryland, UNC, Northwestern, Penn St.


My Irrelevant Comment:

Michigan State is so good that I actually contemplated getting the Big Ten Network.  Then I though about what it would be like when my wife found out –

Wife: “Why is the cable bill $10 more?  Tell me you did not order one of those adult movies!”

Dave: “I ordered the Big Ten Network”

Wife:  “The what?  You told me you’d never watch porn.”

Dave; “Wait a minute.  I never said never.”

Wife:  “I knew it!  You’re addicted to pornography.

Dave; “It’s the Big Ten Network, I swear,

Wife: “You think I’m stupid?  There’s no Big Ten Network.  You have a problem.”


6. MEMPHIS (22-3)

Best wins: at Gonzaga, Cincinnati, Tennessee

Losses: Xavier, Georgetown, SU


My Irrelevant Comment:

Last year Coach Cal described his team as “Princeton on steroids.”   I believe that makes him the only person in history to find any similarity between the Univ. of Memphis and an Ivy League school.  As for being “on steroids”, not really a positive, but instead, pretty stupid.   So maybe what Calipari was really trying to say was, “We’re like Princeton except much dumber.”


7. WAKE FOREST (19-4)

Best Wins; Baylor, BYU, UNC, at Clemson, Duke, FSU

Loss: Virginia Tech, Miami, Georgia Tech, NC State


My Irrelevant Comment:

You got to believe the folks at Wake Forest are happy that they chose Demon Deacons as the nickname way back when.  Their other option was the Predatory Priests.


8. UCLA (19-6)

Best Wins: USC, Cal, Arizona, ND

Losses: Michigan, at Texas, at ASU, ASU, at Washington, at Arizona


My Irrelevant Comment:

I know that UCLA fans remain saddened that they lost “The Love” when Kevin Love turned pro, but they do have Josh Shipp.  I think he’ll eventually “bring back that lovin’ feeling”.  Especially if he makes a slight addition to his moniker and goes by Josh Shipp-The Love Boat.  All right, maybe not.


9. DUKE (20-5)

Best Wins: Michigan, Purdue, Xavier, Georgetown

Losses: Michigan, Wake Forest, at Clemson, UNC, at BC


My Irrelevant Comment:

I used to hate Duke.  Then everybody started hating Duke.  Torn between my desire to hate and my desire for originality I went with originality.  So now I don’t hate Duke.  But I’m worried that everyone will soon hate Notre Dame.


10. CLEMSON (20-4)

Best Wins: at Illinois, at Miami, South Carolina, Duke

Loss: Wake Forest, UNC, Florida St., at UVA


My Irrelevant Comment:

The school was named after Tom Green Clemson.  They got to be happy they went with that guy’s last name instead of his first and middle.  Tom Green University just doesn’t evoke academic excellence.  (Just to clarify, Tom Green is a gross-out comic whose career pinnacled with the not so-family friendly flick entitled “Freddy Got Fingered”.  I would like to see what fraternity initiations at Tom Green University would entail.  You know, given that its namesake previously drank milk from a cow – that’s directly from a cow.)


Take it easy,



Check back Thursday for Dave's Weekly Rant.  If you’d like to add a comment for next Monday’s Rankings concerning any team just email Dave at davebarend@yahoo.com.