Dear ESPN: Please Just Show The Game

  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • user warning: Table './colleg11_drupal57/cache_menu' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: SELECT data, created, headers, expire FROM cache_menu WHERE cid = '0:en' in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/database.mysql.inc on line 174.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • : Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/file.inc on line 646.
  • user warning: Can't find record in 'cache_content' query: SELECT data, created, headers, expire FROM cache_content WHERE cid = 'content_type_info' in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/database.mysql.inc on line 174.
  • user warning: Table './colleg11_drupal57/cache' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: SELECT data, created, headers, expire FROM cache WHERE cid = 'imagecache:presets' in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/database.mysql.inc on line 174.
  • user warning: Table './colleg11_drupal57/cache' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: LOCK TABLES cache WRITE in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/database.mysql.inc on line 174.
  • user warning: Table './colleg11_drupal57/cache' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: UPDATE cache SET data = 'a:2:{i:2;s:7:\"Feature\";i:1;s:9:\"thumbnail\";}', created = 1397886183, expire = 0, headers = '' WHERE cid = 'imagecache:presets' in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/database.mysql.inc on line 174.
  • user warning: Can't find record in 'cache_content' query: SELECT data, created, headers, expire FROM cache_content WHERE cid = 'content_type_info' in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/database.mysql.inc on line 174.
  • user warning: Table './colleg11_drupal57/cache_menu' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: LOCK TABLES cache_menu WRITE in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/database.mysql.inc on line 174.
  • user warning: Table './colleg11_drupal57/cache_menu' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: UPDATE cache_menu SET data = 'a:4:{s:10:\"path 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  • user warning: Table './colleg11_drupal57/cache_filter' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: UPDATE cache_filter SET data = '<p>\n&nbsp;\n</p>\n<p>\nThings you will never hear a man say: (1) I\'d\nlove to watch Thelma &amp; Louise again. (2) Mmmm... Tofu. (3) Her breasts are way too\nbig.  And (4) I can\'t take another minute\nof ESPN. \n</p>\n<p>\nI must sadly admit that as of this past Tuesday\nthe one about ESPN no longer applies to me.\n</p>\n<p>\nMy displeasure with that network actually\ncommenced a few weeks ago.  During\novertime of ND at Louisville, ESPN put up a live &quot;picture-in-picture&quot; shot of\nCoach Rick Pitino.  Yes, the folks in\ncharge felt it necessary to superimpose the &quot;action&quot; of Pitino on one knee,\nover the game.  Utterly asinine.  Though not as stupid as the thought that went\nthrough my mind - that Pitino, at age 56, was subbing himself into the game. \n</p>\n<p>\nI understand that when there\'s a blow-out the\nproducers and announcers need to try to spice things up.  This has led to my accumulation of enough\ninformation to write the biographies of Dick Vitale\'s grandkids. But we were in\novertime here. \n</p>\n<p>\nThere\'s also the fact that ESPN perpetually\nshowed Pitino, while ND\'s coach, Mike Brey, didn\'t get any isolated camera\ntime.  Probably because Brey\'s attire was\ninspired by seeing a maitre‘d place a sport coat on a longshoreman. Regardless,\nthis snubbing of Mike Brey accomplished something I never thought possible - it\nmade me feel sympathy for Notre Dame. \nDamn you, ESPN.\n</p>\n<p>\nThen Tuesday came.  I turned on the Marquette-Villanova match-up\nand I noticed that in addition to the score, the shot clock, the game clock,\nand the scroll bar  - there was verbiage\nspewing across the top of my screen. \nESPN apparently decided that a perpetual stream of input from fans would\nenhance the basketball viewing experience. It\'s called &quot;Interactive Tuesday.&quot;  And the following day is definitely Migraine\nWednesday.\n</p>\n<p>\nThis is just too much on the screen.  It reminds me of the time when the US Women\'s\nSoftball team was posing for the camera. A fine looking bunch of ladies.  But then the catcher tried to squeeze\nin.  Too much.  Or when Desperate Housewives shows all the\nhotties standing together.  But then\nFelicity Huffman walks in.  Too\nmuch.  I guess I should be happy that\nESPN hasn\'t put up a &quot;picture-in-picture&quot; of a computer geek submitting\ncomments from his parent\'s basement.\n</p>\n<p>\nIn fact, they should change the name from\nInteractive Tuesday to Dork-Central Tuesday. \nI mean truly, the only people reading this stuff are the same people\nsubmitting it.  There\'s no\n&quot;interaction&quot;.  Heck, an even better name\nwould be Narcissistic Tuesday.\n</p>\n<p>\nI actually gave reading it a shot, but quickly\nlearned that submitting in English is not a requirement. It\'s all in some\ntext/Internet language.  My inability to\ncrack that code led to another realization - I\'m getting old.  God, I hate Interactive Tuesday.\n</p>\n<p>\nI did think that this streaming on national TV\nmight be a good way to plug the blog.  So\nI was going to try to enter a message about\nDaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com, but that seemed a little\nself-important.  You know, more so than\nhaving a blog with my name in the title. \nI, therefore, tried to enlist a few friends and family members to do my\ndirty work.  Below are some of the\nresponses to my request:\n</p>\n<p>\n&nbsp;\n</p>\n<p>\nSean: You have a blog?\n</p>\n<p>\nAnil: Your blog is\n&quot;DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.COM&quot;? \nI thought it was &quot;ORG&quot;.  That\none\'s much better. \n</p>\n<p>\nMy Wife: Sure I\'d love to.  But first I have to do the laundry, take out\nthe garbage, change the oil in your car, teach the girls how to make a jump\nshot, wear the pants . . . \n</p>\n<p>\n&nbsp;\n</p>\n<p>\nHere\'s what I\'d really like to see when I watch\na basketball game: a basketball game. \nWatching the action on the court should be the thrill, not seeing your\nuser name crawl across the screen. \nImagine trying to explain to a friend how you missed James Harden\'s\nmonster dunk,  &quot;Uh, yeah, I had the game\non, but I was engrossed in the witticisms of MegaDufus99.&quot;\n</p>\n<p>\nYou know who is really to blame for all this -\nJ.K. Rowling.  Yup, the woman who wrote\nall those freakin\' Harry Potter books. \nShe\'s the one who got the younger generation thinking it\'s fun to\nread.  (For the purpose of this argument,\nplease try to forget that you are currently reading.) Granted there\'s a place\nfor reading, but it\'s not on top of a basketball game - it\'s in the bathroom.\n</p>\n<p>\nI honestly fear what ESPN is going to do next.  I envision that every time a player touches\nthe ball, ESPN is going to have his personal Facebook page pop up.  Or even worse, instead of that stream of\nstupidity, they are going to have an instant message board appear on your\nscreen - making you feel compelled to respond. \nI remember back when I had AOL, my mother would perpetually IM me.  Worst part was I couldn\'t figure out how to\nget that thing to go off.  Pretty hard to\nsurf the Internet for, well, things guys surf the Internet for, when there\'s a message\non the screen from your mom asking, &quot;What are you doing right now?&quot;\n</p>\n<p>\nIf ESPN is dead set on this Interactive\nTuesday, I do have some better ideas:\n</p>\n<p>\n&nbsp;\n</p>\n<p>\n1. Announcer reading - Instead of putting the\ncomments on the top of the screen, have an announcer read them.  You know, kind of like how stockbrokers used\nto rattle off the ticker tape - out loud the instant they came in.  I suggest Digger Phelps.  This way there\'d at least be a chance he\'d\nsay something intelligent.  Though at\nalmost 70, he\'d likely pass out from exhaustion.  Yeah, I\'d pay to see that. \n</p>\n<p>\n2. Cameraman assistance - Have the people who\nare commenting help the cameramen find the good-looking women in the\nstands.  &quot;There\'s a babe 4 rows behind\nDuke\'s bench - DirtyOldMan51.&quot;  Or\n&quot;Stephen Curry\'s mom is in Row2, Seat 5 - StephenCurry\'sDad&quot;. \n</p>\n<p>\n3.Screen on ball - Install a mini-monitor on\nthe surface of the basketball.  This\nwould allow viewers to trash talk directly to the players.  I imagine the following play-by play:\n&quot;Harangody has the ball and is going up for a slam.  But no he\'s, well, he appears to be\ncrying.  I\'m getting a look at the screen\non the ball and, well, my best guess is Harangody\'s mom really does wear combat\nboots.&quot;  \n</p>\n<p>\n&nbsp;\n</p>\n<p>\nI\'m betting that ESPN doesn\'t take any of my\nsuggestions.  And after further\ncontemplation I\'m probably okay with that. \nThere is a positive about these people who submit comments on\nInteractive Tuesday  - they definitely\nmake me and my blog seem substantially less pathetic.\n</p>\n<p>\nTake it easy,\n</p>\n<p>\nDave\n</p>\n<p>\n&nbsp;\n</p>\n<p>\n<i>Dave\nBarend\'s humorous take on college basketball will be appearing weekly on CHN.</i>\n</p>\n<p>\n<i>Check\nback Monday for a set of weekly Rankings and Irrelevant Comments.  If you\'d like to submit your choice for the\nmost overrated or underrated team of the week, email me at </i><a href=\"mailto:davebarend@yahoo.com\"><i>davebarend@yahoo.com</i></a><i> by </i><i>Saturday.</i>\n</p>\n', created = 1397886184, expire = 1397972584, headers = '' WHERE cid = '3:02f4301e9997d603ae09870775965850' in /home/colleg11/drupal/public_html/5.10/includes/database.mysql.inc on line 174.
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Things you will never hear a man say: (1) I'd love to watch Thelma & Louise again. (2) Mmmm... Tofu. (3) Her breasts are way too big.  And (4) I can't take another minute of ESPN.

I must sadly admit that as of this past Tuesday the one about ESPN no longer applies to me.

My displeasure with that network actually commenced a few weeks ago.  During overtime of ND at Louisville, ESPN put up a live "picture-in-picture" shot of Coach Rick Pitino.  Yes, the folks in charge felt it necessary to superimpose the "action" of Pitino on one knee, over the game.  Utterly asinine.  Though not as stupid as the thought that went through my mind - that Pitino, at age 56, was subbing himself into the game.

I understand that when there's a blow-out the producers and announcers need to try to spice things up.  This has led to my accumulation of enough information to write the biographies of Dick Vitale's grandkids. But we were in overtime here.

There's also the fact that ESPN perpetually showed Pitino, while ND's coach, Mike Brey, didn't get any isolated camera time.  Probably because Brey's attire was inspired by seeing a maitre‘d place a sport coat on a longshoreman. Regardless, this snubbing of Mike Brey accomplished something I never thought possible - it made me feel sympathy for Notre Dame.  Damn you, ESPN.

Then Tuesday came.  I turned on the Marquette-Villanova match-up and I noticed that in addition to the score, the shot clock, the game clock, and the scroll bar  - there was verbiage spewing across the top of my screen.  ESPN apparently decided that a perpetual stream of input from fans would enhance the basketball viewing experience. It's called "Interactive Tuesday."  And the following day is definitely Migraine Wednesday.

This is just too much on the screen.  It reminds me of the time when the US Women's Softball team was posing for the camera. A fine looking bunch of ladies.  But then the catcher tried to squeeze in.  Too much.  Or when Desperate Housewives shows all the hotties standing together.  But then Felicity Huffman walks in.  Too much.  I guess I should be happy that ESPN hasn't put up a "picture-in-picture" of a computer geek submitting comments from his parent's basement.

In fact, they should change the name from Interactive Tuesday to Dork-Central Tuesday.  I mean truly, the only people reading this stuff are the same people submitting it.  There's no "interaction".  Heck, an even better name would be Narcissistic Tuesday.

I actually gave reading it a shot, but quickly learned that submitting in English is not a requirement. It's all in some text/Internet language.  My inability to crack that code led to another realization - I'm getting old.  God, I hate Interactive Tuesday.

I did think that this streaming on national TV might be a good way to plug the blog.  So I was going to try to enter a message about DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com, but that seemed a little self-important.  You know, more so than having a blog with my name in the title.  I, therefore, tried to enlist a few friends and family members to do my dirty work.  Below are some of the responses to my request:

 

Sean: You have a blog?

Anil: Your blog is "DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.COM"?  I thought it was "ORG".  That one's much better.

My Wife: Sure I'd love to.  But first I have to do the laundry, take out the garbage, change the oil in your car, teach the girls how to make a jump shot, wear the pants . . .

 

Here's what I'd really like to see when I watch a basketball game: a basketball game.  Watching the action on the court should be the thrill, not seeing your user name crawl across the screen.  Imagine trying to explain to a friend how you missed James Harden's monster dunk,  "Uh, yeah, I had the game on, but I was engrossed in the witticisms of MegaDufus99."

You know who is really to blame for all this - J.K. Rowling.  Yup, the woman who wrote all those freakin' Harry Potter books.  She's the one who got the younger generation thinking it's fun to read.  (For the purpose of this argument, please try to forget that you are currently reading.) Granted there's a place for reading, but it's not on top of a basketball game - it's in the bathroom.

I honestly fear what ESPN is going to do next.  I envision that every time a player touches the ball, ESPN is going to have his personal Facebook page pop up.  Or even worse, instead of that stream of stupidity, they are going to have an instant message board appear on your screen - making you feel compelled to respond.  I remember back when I had AOL, my mother would perpetually IM me.  Worst part was I couldn't figure out how to get that thing to go off.  Pretty hard to surf the Internet for, well, things guys surf the Internet for, when there's a message on the screen from your mom asking, "What are you doing right now?"

If ESPN is dead set on this Interactive Tuesday, I do have some better ideas:

 

1. Announcer reading - Instead of putting the comments on the top of the screen, have an announcer read them.  You know, kind of like how stockbrokers used to rattle off the ticker tape - out loud the instant they came in.  I suggest Digger Phelps.  This way there'd at least be a chance he'd say something intelligent.  Though at almost 70, he'd likely pass out from exhaustion.  Yeah, I'd pay to see that.

2. Cameraman assistance - Have the people who are commenting help the cameramen find the good-looking women in the stands.  "There's a babe 4 rows behind Duke's bench - DirtyOldMan51."  Or "Stephen Curry's mom is in Row2, Seat 5 - StephenCurry'sDad".

3.Screen on ball - Install a mini-monitor on the surface of the basketball.  This would allow viewers to trash talk directly to the players.  I imagine the following play-by play: "Harangody has the ball and is going up for a slam.  But no he's, well, he appears to be crying.  I'm getting a look at the screen on the ball and, well, my best guess is Harangody's mom really does wear combat boots." 

 

I'm betting that ESPN doesn't take any of my suggestions.  And after further contemplation I'm probably okay with that.  There is a positive about these people who submit comments on Interactive Tuesday  - they definitely make me and my blog seem substantially less pathetic.

Take it easy,

Dave

 

Dave Barend's humorous take on college basketball will be appearing weekly on CHN.

Check back Monday for a set of weekly Rankings and Irrelevant Comments.  If you'd like to submit your choice for the most overrated or underrated team of the week, email me at davebarend@yahoo.com by Saturday.